American Bathroom Hygiene is Nasty as Hell

How many people carry a bottle of hand-sanitizer with them when they go out? Have one in the car? Next to the sink in your home, where you could easily just wash your hands instead smothering a sticky mess on them and leaving it there? We do this despite the fact that hand-sanitizer kills 99.9% of a SPECIFIC FEW germs listed on the bottle. Besides we use our hands for everything, you sanitize them only to immediately proceed to touch a bunch of un sanitized things. We live in a germaphobic culture. But all that goes out the window when the bathroom door shuts behind you because THEN, we collectively embrace filthiness.

toilet paper

Thats right all you nasty people, today we talk about toilet paper, a dry and porous butt-duster. The is normal for us and it is unquestionably gross as hell. You take a few sheets – or half a roll all wadded up if you’re mongrel – and wipe away, removing some waste and smearing the rest around. If you wipe forward toward the adjacent private neighborhood, that is even worse, you savages. This practice is by far the least civilized in our society. You love Doritos right? Of course you do. You shouldn’t, but you do. Its awesome when the dust gets caked to your fingers and you get to clean it off with your mouth when you’re done, delicious. Also astonishingly gross. After you’ve finished sucking on your fingers the next step is of course is to wash your hands. You’re not going to grab a piece of paper, wipe your hands with it and call it good. Theres still stuff on them! The same should be true across all body parts. Settle down now, this isn’t a suggestion to lick yourself clean before you get to the TP. Besides, thats physically impossible for all but the most talented in our society. No, you need to wash that thing man, commit fully to your germaphobia.

For some reason, we haven’t caught on to this superior and more civilized method of dealing with our daily business.


Hose it down man.

I have personally visited places where this is the norm and I will tell you something. This is a spiritual experience. A new level of enlightenment. I felt like a fool and a novice in life for not having come across this until well into adulthood. I should have figured it on my own, you know, because of the concept of washing dirty things to make them clean. This should apply to going to the bathroom as well. Maybe everyones temperament is so poor these days because, subconsciously, they know that they are walking around dirty all day. We need a revolution of hygiene. This is long past due. How can we clean up society if we don’t start with ourselves?

Start saying no to TP this year. I realize this will be a long process, but as we all know, we must trust the process. Reach for the stars my fellow filthy Americans.

And baby wipes don’t count, you’re adults, wash yourselves and stop abusing the sewage system you’re paying for.

2 thoughts on “American Bathroom Hygiene is Nasty as Hell

  1. How about at least using butt wipes? A moist sheet that can clean your behind. Think about it, if you stepped in dog poo, would you….. A: grab a dry paper towel and try to rub if off of your shoe or foot? B: grab a wet paper towel to clean it? Think about it.


    1. I agree with the dog poo analogy, except i would go even further. I seek out a running water source like a bloodhound and don’t stop till I find one, wet feet be damned. To address the butt wipes, they are most certainly a better option than TP. Problem is they clog the drain system, even the allegedly flushable ones, which creates an even worse problem. You can toss em in the waste basket but then, you know, there’s poo just sitting there till you take the garbage out.


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